Well it is booked! My return home is booked for the 24th of June. I am saying this with hesitation as I am not convinced I am ready to come home. Why am I not convinced, you ask? If you would have asked me if I wanted to come home up until February, I would have said of course, I can't wait. But now my response is a little different. I know, I know you are all saying I told you so! You were right! So now you are asking then why don't I stay? My answer is because I have too many responsibilities at home to look after. At least that is what I have convinced myself into believing. I know, had my job worked out better and I was still working full time, I probably would stay another year, but it hasn't and I can't afford to stay based on part time sub work.
I love it here, I love the town I live in and love my life here. It is strange how a person can become so independent when they don't have the crutch of familiarity around them. It has been a freeing experience and I am afraid when I go home I will forget what I have gained. Don't get me wrong I love my friends, and family and am appreciative of all the things I get to enjoy with them. But .... I have never been happier. As most of you are aware, I sometimes struggle with being happy and can at times be really down. But I have not once had that weighted down feeling here. I have not once wanted to sink my head in the sand and disappear. Well maybe at first when I was really homesick, but not in a long time.
So what is it that makes the difference here? I couldn't tell you, it is just different. It could be that I got to start fresh where no one knew me or my past. It could be that I can be outside more often because the weather is more tolerable. It could be because I have learned to appreciate the beauty that surrounds me when I am outside. It could be that I don't feel guilty if I do or don't do something (except for exercising). It could be that I met a boy that makes me smile and makes me feel like I am amazing and beautiful just the way I am. It could be just that I am happy!
So now you are saying, well stay then. And my response to that is, I can't. I am too afraid to stay because what if it turns out to be the same as it is back home? What if I start to feel the same way as when I am home? I want to look back at this experience and remember it as being life changing, being one of the happiest times of my life. Something that I have to hold onto.
I will know in time if I made the right choice to come back. I am looking forward to starting over in some ways back home. Buying a house of my own, and starting fresh. I am looking forward to spending time with people who I have missed tremendously. I have been given the life experience of feeling what it is like to lose someone and how incredibly hard it is to deal with. But, I have been given the gift to be able to go back and be with those people and let them know how much they are appreciated and loved. To know the importance of not taking people for granted and to appreciate each moment I spend with them. A life lesson that I will hold onto forever.
I am pretty sure I can't get any more honest about my feelings. I am also pretty sure that I am wearing my heart on my sleeve for all of you to read. And I am pretty sure that I am not sure about much. That, I guess is the point of life, search and you will continue to search. Life is about as clear as mud!
