I believe my mantra for the year was to play and be authentic. I do believe that I am sticking with this as closely as I can. But, on the plane trip home today, I watched a movie that I have been avoiding for some reason. Eat, Pray, Love. I know I read it in bookclub (well almost all of it) and at that time, I found it too spiritual and I was unable to connect with it.
As you all know my life changes and suddenly I connect with it. I decided to give the movie a chance and I am sure I almost turned it off 10 times within the first 45 minutes. It was too close to home in many ways, and I felt like I wasn't ready to deal with those feelings and thoughts. I know my journey is about me dealing with those thoughts and feelings, but living in denile has been working too. As I contiued to watch, I told myself that I would turn it off before the end, as I don't want to know good or bad what happens. My end to my movie hasn't happened yet and I don't want to get any false hopes or potentially see any more sadness come my way. I am not saying I am the lady in the movie by any stretch of the matter, but I did relate to some of the experiences that she faced, minus the spiritual meditation stuff. If you have seen the movie then you will understand when I say "I am a women in search for a word". A word that describes me, my journey, my process. I don't have it yet, but am working on it!
Having had the opportunity to go home for a week, really solidified for me the need to be here in England still. I was feeling not ready to be home. It could have a lot to do with the realization that holy sh** I have a lot to take care of when I get back. It dawned on me that this year of running away from so much drama has begun to change me in small ways. It just doesn't seem like I have reached the full circle quite yet to be ready to come home. (Who knows, this may never happen).
For some of you, I unfortunately didn't get to see you during my whirlwind visit. Please know that I did not intentionally skip anyone. I had no thoughts of going home before the year was up, it wasn't until my brother decided that it was cheaper to fly me home than for him to fly here. My brother gave me the opportunity to come home and surprise my family and friends. There are no words to express the gratitude I have for him giving me this gift!
I am not sure if you have ever pulled off total surprises before, but I hadn't really until this past week. After arriving in Calgary on Wednesday afternoon, I was able to meet up with my friend who I travelled to Italy with. We spent the evening out at my brother and cousin's place. I got my first taste of the new Kinect for Xbox. Wow, that is crackin! I enjoyed making a fool out of myself and watching others do the same. We didn't go to bed till around 330. A good 30 hours of awakeness for me. After 5 long hours of sleep we headed out to my dad's place. I thought surely on an 8 hour drive I would get some sleep, but no, not even a head nod (which for me is very unusal).
We pulled into my dad's place, I walked in towards his office. I heard him in the kitchen, I took out my camera and walked in saying hello! It was great, jaw drop total surprise! Then to surprise Corona, he was the one I was most worried about. But, of course he knew who I was. Jumping, yelping and trying to give me kisses; all the while trying to show me this ham bone he had just been given. (I am pretty sure one of my strict rules was for Corona not to get people food). I guess ham bones win out over getting too excited to see your mom after 7 months. Corona gave me the snub for a little while, but into the evening he began to warm up to me and then like old times not leave my sight. We had a great night visiting, some of my friends came out for a drink. They continually bugged me about having an accent. Which I totally do not! Another late night! The next couple of days at dads was great. Between the food which I missed; chicken wings, fries, liberty burgers and the drinks that I missed; paralyzers, grape sour puss and Canadian Rye, I got my fill of both. I defintaly took advantage of my time there. It was sad to have to leave on the Sunday, as Corona began to whine. I assured him though that I would see him in only a few months.
Next surprise was mom. I was timid walking up to the door. Rod answered and said mom still didn't know. So he called her up the stairs and there I was at the top. She looked like she was seeing things. When I got to the bottom of the stairs she was in tears as she hugged me. I love surprises!
While being back in Medicine Hat, I was able to go to the school where I took a leave from. I surprised many people there and got some great picutures. I was moved when I went to my old class and saw the students. They look great and they seemed geniunely happy to see me. Having the chance to go out for a couple of drinks with some great friends allowed me to soak in some of the love that I had been missing while being here. I am very fortunate to have such a great circle of friends. They play a huge roll in my decision to come back to the Hat by the end of June.
I was honoured when I was asked to be a godmother. For some this isn't all that big of a deal, but for me it is huge. I have a fantastic relationship with my own godmother. Many memories from banana pancakes, going to Calaway Park, watching 2 movies at the theatre on New Year's eve to now enjoying a glass of wine on the deck visiting. My godmother has always been an inspiration to me and I only hope I can be the same to this little one. On another level, it may be the mother role that I have been unable to play. Instead of me continuing to search to fill this hole in my life, maybe this is the "mom" that I was meant to be. It is hard for me to express my appreciation to my friend for asking me to do this, but I know I will do everything I can to make sure that each day she knows how much I appreciate her and her precious daughter!
So back to Thame, time is ticking away. Only a few months, with so many things to do and places to see I have a sick sense that it is going to whiz by.
Thank you to all that made my home visit so meaningful! And I again apoligize to those that I didn't get to see.
Love you all!
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